Be Careful What You Wish For

So doing this on my phone kinda sucks. It definitely isn’t the same as the computer but I’m stuck at work so yeah. Over the years different dream jobs have changed and what not but the one thing that has always been consistent is the desire to get married and have kids. 2nd on the way and I’m still single. 1st one taken away. She got a great family tho which I am grateful for. This one the dad doesn’t want. Meanwhile my ex of 12 years wanted a family with me so bad and would have been thrilled if he were in this situation. Everything sucks. I should be happy but I’m not. I’m miserable. I told my ex today and I’m pretty sure it crushed him. I hate this whole fuckin thing.

Like omg, enough already!

I am getting so annoyed by everyone and everything lately. I just want to tell people to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I am not a complaint department and all you’re doing is making ME feel like shit. I’m sorry if the world isn’t giving you everything you wanted. And I know it sounds kind of mean but, deal with it. Life isn’t all sunshine and fucking rainbows. And when there ARE rainbows it’s because it rained. So even when it rains on your fucking parade something good can still come from it. I’m sorry if you’re hurting but guess what? You’re not the only one. I hate to say that it’s getting old but it sort of is. I know you’re upset. I’ve tried to help but there is nothing I can do. It’s good to vent and get your feelings out but at this point you’re like a broken record. I’m tired of having the same conversation/argument on a regular basis. Nothing is going to change. All it does is make ME upset and that’s not really good for me. I want to help but there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can say or do to make the situation any better. Sometime things you really wanted end up being not that great after all. And on the flip side, sometimes you get something you never thought you wanted and it turns out to be awesome. I don’t know wtf to do anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I need to vent too. I have my own shit going on. It feels like no one seems to notice or care about that tho.

Rock and a Hard Place

So I guess I just need to rant for a few minutes cuz I’m kind of in a bind and I have no idea wtf to do…. Maybe if I write it all out on here something will show itself to me. If not then, well…. So Logan is coming to Connecticut. Like he’s been on a bus all day. Mom said he could stay here for a little bit til we figured something out. But now my dad said no. I’m praying to fuck that she can convince him to change his mind. (After all he came here from Florida 30 years ago in basically the same situation.) If she can’t change his mind then idk what we’re going to do. I’ll have to try and find somewhere for us to go. Hey, anyone want a couple of couch surfers for a few days? lol. But no. Seriously. I’m going back to work soon. Probably on the 14th. Once I start getting my paychecks I’ll be good. Not to mention the back pay I’m going to be getting for the end of last year. But shit was supposed to be good. Like Friday I wanted to go fill out some paperwork that I’m going to need in order to return to work. If I’m not home then idk how the fuck I’m supposed to get there…. I guess I’m going to have to start cashing in some favors or writing some IOUs. Maybe one of the many people who watch out for me can be of help. I’ll just owe someone an arm and a leg of my first born.

See, I wasn’t lying before when I said that I’m always getting the short end of the fuckin stick. (Then again I seem to always be the one stepping in shit.)

Well, so far this hasn’t given me an epiphany of any kind. I would ask God to give me a sign but I did that the other day and not even 2 hours later he was sending me in a totally different direction than I had wanted. Basically, I’m scared of him right now so I’m just going to hide and stay off his radar for a while….

I haven’t told Logan yet either. I don’t want to stress him out for the rest of his trip here. Plus I’m kind of counting on mom being able to do something about it when she gets home tonight….

I can’t keep getting fucked in life all the time. Something has to come up positive for me. I’m WAY past due for good karma. And this time I’m actually trying to do the right thing. And I’m trying to act like the grown up that I’m supposed to be. I’m making plans. Serious plans. I guess I better cross my fingers pretty fuckin hard. At this point in time I have no fuckin clue what else I can do. I open to advice and suggestions. I’ll gladly take anything that ya’ll got to give me….

Other than that whole fuckin fiasco I’ve had an ok day. I did some things to keep myself positive. And I wrote positive affirmations on sticky notes and stuck them to the mirrors…. I gotta work on doing some cleaning now. Although I don’t know why because we’re not going to be staying here (omg Mom, please fix this!) Then again, maybe if I do some of the shit that I should be doing anyways it will look good for me and help mom make my case…. (Is that a revelation? Maybe this is helping? A little bit anyways?) Idk. I have a few things I wanted to do. And get some more shit onto my iPod. Maybe I’ll write some more later. I’m sure I’ll need to at some point for the sake of my sanity alone….

My Memory is Total Shit

So I forgot I even had this thing until I was trying to find an email I thought I had saved. I can’t find the fuckin email anywhere on my account but I found this so I guess it wasn’t a total bust. I’ve been awake for 42 hours. Idky but I’m not tired. I fucked around on Facebook for a while til I got bored with that too. I can’t seem to stay on track at all lately. My focus has been complete and utter shit (just like my memory). My mind just bounces from one thing to another in the middle of a thought.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Stupid ass laptop. I just typed up a whole fuckin thing and it just like fuckin deleted itself or something. Now my racing mind has to try to remember wtf I just typed. Honestly, I have no fuckin clue because my concentration is practically non-existent. So much so that my brain isn’t even comprehending its own fuckin thoughts. How fuckin fucked is that??

So I am maybe kinda sorta a little bit manic at the moment. Maybe that’s why I can’t fuckin sleep. Idk. I took sleeping meds and I was still fuckin awake. Oh well, I got a lot of shit to get done anyways. (Notice how much of it is actually getting done right now? Uhhhhhh NONE.) When I’m like this, when my mind is moving way to fast for my mouth to keep up, and I am very easily distracted, I always said that the hamster on his wheel inside my head took an adderall. I finally gave him a name. It’s Pokey after Lisa’s guinea pig on The Simpson’s. Why not. After all we did name our dog Maggie…. Omg, did ya’ll know that if the Simpsons aged that Maggie would be my age? Can you believe that show has been around for 28 fuckin years? Like holy fuck. I also noticed one day when I was manic that I know a lot of fuckin songs and that there is a song for pretty much every little thing in the world. I noticed cuz one day like no matter what someone said it made me think of a song. There were so many that I started writing them down. My list was well over a page long. Do ya’ll have any idea how fuckin irritating it is when you got like 9,000 different fuckin songs stuck in your head at once? Well if not let me tell you; it’s annoying as fuck to the point where you just wanna stick your finger down your throat and puke up all the lyrics. Clear em out of your body somehow. That or a power drill to the head. Let them drain out slowly. Might relieve some pressure at the same time. Two birds. One stone. But yeah so it’s like a million voices singing different shit on loop over and over an over again.

I keep fuckin losing shit too and idk where the fuck it’s all being lost to. I had a brand new pack of cigarettes with only 2 missing out of it and they vanished. And my ipod is god only fuckin knows where. I would ask him but his answers to me lately have really been testing not only my fuckin patience but my faith as well. I mean the shit has to be in this house somewhere. Maybe my bed was hungry and it ate my stuff. That reminds me that I still have yet to find my vampire fangs. I think I’m just going to go order a new set. That way if the other ones ever fuckin show up I’ll have a spare set…. Claire lost the little ball for one of my piercings. It’s too bad cuz it was cute as hell. But shit happens. Only problem with that is I keep forgetting to put a different one in. And it’s a pain in my ass cuz I gotta use fuckin pliers to get the damn thing in! And two of my other ones are currently in backwards because the holes started to close up and that is the only way that they were getting back in there. Hospitals suck dick always making you pull shit out all the damn time. I had to re-pierce one of my nipples too. I wanna get my nose pierced. I said I would never get any facial piercings but wtf why not. It shouldn’t be too noticeable whenever I decide to take it out. I want a couple tattoos too. The one I’ve been wanting for years of the broken heart stitched and safety pinned back together. Then I want to get a Fleur-di-lis on my wrist. Awww shit look out. New me is comin. And I got the new nickname of Trouble because for one reason or another I always seem to be in it. Man, I am telling ya’ll that they put shit in the food at the hospitals cuz I didn’t even eat that much and I gained 11 fuckin pounds in the last month! I gotta put a halt to that shit like immediately and reverse it. Otherwise this psycho bitch ain’t going to be a happy fuckin camper I can tell you that much right now….

Omg did I have a point to this endless rambling bullshit? I should do this more. I gotta write in my computer journal more. It helps. And I LOVE my journal journal, especially cuz I can do different crazy shit in it and draw pictures of really fucked up shit but sometimes it’s just too damn hard. When my brain is going at warp speed my hand can’t keep up. I can type pretty fast tho so at least I stand a shot when on the computer! Idk. But seriously, like did I have a fuckin point to all this or is it just a jumble of words that I self-consciously puked up all over the fuckin place? Is it bad that I can’t even tell the fuckin difference anymore? Like do I legit have something of significance to put out there or am I just rambling on like a fuckin lunatic? Most likely fuckin lunatic at this point I’m sure…. I guess I should start watching wtf I say less someone decide to have my ass committed for the rest of my natural existence. And then some. But I guess in a way not only does this help me but maybe, just maybe, there’s one person out there who this shit might help. Even if it’s just a little bit….

Like, did I ever talk about the cutting? Like I was addicted to cutting myself for some fucked up reason or another. Triple bladed razor, exacto blade, my pocket knives, whatever I felt like bleeding all over at that particular point in time. And especially the more I did it the worse it got. Every time I cut was worse than the time before. And it almost becomes like this fucked up ritual. I didn’t even really feel that shit anymore. I mean I started cutting to feel something, anything at all. I either was feeling absolutely nothing on the inside and wanted to feel something, anything at all, or I had so much inner torment and pain that I chose to cut because at least physical pain I knew how to deal with…. But it was to the point where I was cutting, deep, and rubbing 90% rubbing alcohol into it to try and feel something. I still couldn’t. So that’s when it went from expressing my pain physically to it becoming some fucked up release for me. It wasn’t about the pain anymore cuz well, I didn’t fuckin have any. It was more about the sight and the feeling. It was almost like a fucked up high to me or some shit. I can’t explain it really. Well, I guess I kinda can. But it’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. A perfect imperfection I am. If you want to stop reading here feel free…. When I would cut watching the blood slowly rise to the surface of my skin was exhilarating to me. Seeing the little red dots connect and form a single line. Seeing the crimson color spill out over the edge of the freshly made cut, feeling it’s warmth dripping down my arm, or my leg, watching it splash into the sink or onto the bathroom floor creating little droplets and blood pools everywhere. Something about all that created a sense of calm that would wash over me. Completely take hold of my body and mind. In a fucked up way that bullshit was soothing to me. (Told ya’ll I was fucked in the head. For those who unwisely doubted me, there’s your proof right there. That alone qualifies me for a straight jacket. You think they could get me a pink one? I might be fuckin crazy but I still want to be fashionable god dammit….) Anyways, I still get the urge to do it occasionally. I’m not gunna lie. But I just tell myself that I’m too old for that shit. Not to mention that given the steady incline in severity over the years, there’s a good chance of bleeding to death. (One of them bleed for well over an hour one time….) Plus, I now have scars for the rest of my life that I can’t hide. When I tan they show up even more. I’m not trying to add any more.

Oh! So I learned this new thing that I think everyone should try. Especially if you’re struggling with your self-esteem. I’m pretty sure it’s called giving yourself positive affirmations or some clinical shit like that. Yeah, they make the most simple little fuckin thing sound all big and complicated. It’s like just cuz they spent a lot of money on an education they gotta flaunt their big vocabulary’s and make people feel stupid. Anyways, I digress. That was a little bit off topic. But yeah, so you stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and say positive things. It’s actually pretty difficult at first, especially if you hate yourself. But it gets easier! I promise! I usually tell myself things such as, “You are beautiful both inside and out. You deserve to experience true happiness. Love yourself more and allow others to love you.” Things like that. Just basically giving yourself compliments. Now if you’re a cocky son of a bitch doing that should be no problem for you. However, it would make you even more of a fuckin asshole than you already are. So in that case, go fuck yourself. Read someone elses shit. Confidence and cocky-ness, two totally different things btw. Don’t mistake one for the other.

Huh. So this thing stopped counting my words at 996 and that was quite some time ago. I wonder why. That’s a random fuckin number. Someone pull that out of their ass or something?

I have now officially been awake for 2 days. Just hit 48 hours. Wonder if I’ll beat my own record. It was 68 one time when I was in high school. I forced myself to go to sleep out of sheer fuckin boredom. I had hung out with all of my friends, smoked a shit ton of weed (which should have made me sleepy but it didn’t), gone to the lake, and had listened to like every CD I owned. Some of them more than once. How is it even possible for me to take sleeping meds then be awake for so fuckin long? What’s wrong with me?

Oh yeah, I’m me. A Perfect Imperfection.

Bipolar vs. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

This is just something that I have read about and feel that more people should understand. While most people have heard the term “Bipolar” and have a basic knowledge of what it is, Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is a term that not many people are familiar with. It’s been said that even trained clinicians in the field can often misdiagnose one as the other. I found the following from: Three Ways to Differentiate

According to Dr. Friedel, director of the BPD program at Virginia Commonwealth University, there are two main differences between BPD and bipolar disorder:

1. People with BPD cycle much more quickly, often several times a day.

2. The moods in people with BPD are more dependent, either positively or negatively, on what’s going on in their life at the moment. Anything that might smack of abandonment (however farfetched) is a major trigger.

3. In people with BPD, the mood swings are more distinct. Marsha M. Linehan, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, says that while people with bipolar disorder swing between all-¬encompassing periods of mania and major depression, the mood swings typical in BPD are more specific. She says, “You have fear going up and down, sadness going up and down, anger up and down, disgust up and down, and love up and down.”

There is also a REALLY good book that I found at my local library that was all about BPD. It’s called

Happy New Year- By the way, you don’t have a job anymore

So 2014 is pretty much off to a shitty start. But that’s the story of my life.

Had a good thing going at work. Nice paycheck. Paying $800 to mom this month towards my credit card. Made some new friends. Had something to do besides sitting on my ass all day. Then they, for whatever fucked up reason they pulled out of their ass, decided to take it all away. We got screwed. We were hired for 51 weeks then they tried to tell us we were just holiday help. Seriously? How stupid do you people think we are? But that’s enough of that. For now.

Paul? I don’t know what the hell is going on. Still not better from the surgery. Might have to have another one. Worries me that he’s not better yet Feel like we are growing apart. Like we have been for a while. It sucks. I love him so much and I wanted a future with him so bad. Now it’s becoming harder and harder to see that as being a reality. I don’t know what happened. We were perfect for each other once upon a time. How can two people so in love grow apart just like that? He really started getting back into the holiday spirit this year then all this happened. I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and he had his surgery. He went all out this year for me. I did the same for him. I feel bad because he thinks I don’t like what he got me. I love it! I’ve just never been big on showing excitement. That’s just how I’ve always been. Mom even told him that. I was really happy to see the look on his face when he got his gifts from me. He loved them. That made me feel good 🙂

I gotta make a cake for Maddy’s 4th birthday party next Monday. I’m going to do a similar one as last year (The princess. I’ll post pics) But this year I will be doing a mermaid. And a castle. Lot of work. But will be worth it 🙂 Now with no work I actually have more time to plan and to get it done. Still have to get to the mall and buy a build a bear gift card. That way we can go make stuffies together 🙂

So, lets move on to my new years resolutions. Even though they never really happen, it’s still good to have them. I think?
1) Quit Smoking- really hope it happens and that I don’t start again like the last time 
2) Start Hitting the Gym- gotta get my ass in gear and actually stick with it this time. I’m sure Amy will push me though 🙂
3) Get Job and Figure out School- I’m getting too old to keep putting it off. Need job so I can afford it though!
4) Get my Shit Together- really need to figure out some things. Get through the craziness that is my life. I keep wishing that things will work themselves out, but I’m starting to think that I actually have to work them out myself. I just hate when I’m all confused about life and don’t know what to do. I’m not on the right road anymore. Haven’t been for a while now. I made a wrong turn, got lost, and drove completely off the fuckin road. I went over a cliff, thru a river, and landed in a ditch. It’s only a matter of time before my metaphorical car blows up. I think I need to climb back up, get a new car and start my trip all over.  I should get better directions next time though.
5) Find Happiness Again

But I think the kitties are hungry….

Why the Holidays Suck, and a Few Reasons Why They Don’t

1-Travel: It’s a pain in the ass to get anywhere. Going to work? Yeah, that sucks. Too many people and most of them can’t drive for shit.

2-Shopping: On a schedule? Forget about it. Don’t bother. You’ll be late to whatever it is you have to get to. I learned this the hard way and won’t attempt to shop before work again. I made it, barely. I had to rush around trying to get ready like a chicken with my head cut off. That was after speed walking through the mall and avoiding all the assholes who didn’t have to punch a clock that day. Sears, as usual, sucked. It takes forever to check out on a good day never mind during the holidays. I stood in line for what felt like forever. The cashier was slow and called for back up. His back up came and did nothing. Instead of helping the long line of customers she decided to start folding the few articles of clothing that were at the register. And of course the people in front of me were all past the age of retirement. They had all day, I didn’t. Then I had to go to Bath and Body Works for my mother. Talk about a terrible idea. I didn’t realize just how far away it was from Sears. And of course whoever designed the mall is a total idiot. You can’t just walk a straight line. No, you have to walk all the way around pointless out coves created by a dumbass. Then once I got there the place was packed. It’s a small store to begin with. Then add like thirty people and you’re screwed. Then you have the cashiers going, “You know if you buy one more then you’ll get a third one for free”. Then the customer has to think about it and go pick out a couple more things. And once again, the store is filled with people who don’t have to punch a clock. It took me way longer than I thought it would to get in and out of there. Then I still had a ten mile walk back to my car which I parked at Sears. I decided to go down the escalator so I could walk a more direct route then get on another one going back up. My legs were so tired from speeding around the mall. The thought of going to work and being on my feet for eight hours almost seemed impossible. Then I had to drive like NASCAR back home to get ready for work in record time. Who would of thought that the stores would be THAT bad on a Tuesday morning/early afternoon.

HOWEVER, shopping on the internet has been wonderful! Amazon gives free shipping on many items. A lot of other sites are giving free shipping and all you have to do is enter a simple offer code. I’m surprised at how quickly I have been receiving my packages as well. ALSO, nighttime seems to be okay for going to the stores. We went to Toys R Us on black Friday. They didn’t have everything, but they still had a lot. And what they didn’t have is easily obtainable elsewhere or online. We got a $50 doll for $20. Not bad.

3-Not Knowing What to Buy: Some people are extremely easy to shop for. Others, not so much. For instance, my mother is pretty easy to shop for. We have a lot of them same interests which helps. The one thing with her though, a lot of times if she wants something she just buys it. My dad was fairly simple as well. I still want to buy a couple things though but maybe Paul can get them. I am sort of at a loss as to what to get Paul though. I’ve picked up a couple things, but that’s it. One problem is money. There are a few things I would like to get but can’t afford at the moment. I’ve been shopping on plastic since I don’t get my first check until Friday. However, his birthday is coming up. And Valentine’s day is right around the corner as well. It’s hard too because I know he has bought me quite a few things. A couple things I wanted to get him he went out and got himself. I’ll figure it out though. I’m going to attempt shopping tomorrow since I have the day off and won’t be on a time limit. It’s crazy that Christmas is next Wednesday. It’s coming so fast!

4-Working for the USPS: I have to work Christmas eve, so I won’t be seeing any of my family. I will probably be stuck working on Christmas day as well. What really sucks about that is the fact that this is the first year that we won’t be going anywhere on Christmas day. Except, now I’m probably going to have to work. However, if I go to bed when I get home Christmas eve then I will have some time Christmas morning to do the whole present thing before I have to go to work. The good thing about going to work is I won’t have to be there til 3:30. But I won’t have much time to actually play with my presents 😦

5-Wrapping Presents: About the first ten presents are fun to wrap. After that, it feels like work. Especially since you spend so much time doing it only so it can be torn off and thrown in the trash. I made my own bow one year. It came out really good but it took a while. I hope I’ll have time to try it again this year.

6-Cookies: Usually we make like 8 different kinds of cookies and give them to everyone in the family. Once again, the first few types are fun. After that it, like wrapping presents, begins to feel like work. However, I don’t think we’re really going to make any this year since my mom and I are both working 😦 Today would have been the day to do it and well, we’re not. It kinda sucks too since she has Saturday and Sunday off and I have Sunday and Monday off. We only have one day together. Usually my schedule works out because I get Sunday with my parents and Monday with Paul. Since he works Saturday and Sunday I have a whole day with him as well.

7-My dad: He pretty much has the whole month of December off from work. It makes it hard to get certain things done when he’s around. I love my dad, but it’s still a pain in the ass sometimes. Plus, when I get ready for work I have a routine that gets thrown out of whack. For instance, I usually get out of the shower, get ready, and not put on pants until right before I leave. It’s easier for me to get ready while in a beater and my underwear. I can’t do that with my dad around. Also, my dad is Mr.Punctuality. He likes to arrive somewhere like an hour early. His philosophy is that he can read the paper whether he’s at home or at work. If he leaves early then he will be on time no matter what could happen on the way there. Things like unexpected traffic and such. Me, not so much. A lot of the time I get to the clock right before it’s time to punch in. Except the other day. I had to stop at the store to get cigarettes on my way to work and I got there like a half hour early. Go me! But he was lecturing me on punctuality while I was getting ready for work the other day. I’m not sure he realized it, but that was actually kind of hindering my process. It will be like that everyday until the beginning of January. I can deal with that though. Just a few minor adjustments and I’ll make it through the next few weeks.

I’m sure there are a few other things that are kind of sucky, but those are the main ones. Now for reasons why the Holidays are fun.

1-Family: You get to spend time with family, some of which you don’t see too often except for the Holidays and a few other times throughout the year when you’re schedules permit it.

2-Presents: It’s always fun to tear open pretty presents. It’s fun to do it and the element of surprise is exciting. Plus, it’s always fun to get things you want! Now, I’m not completely selfish. I like giving as well. I like to watch people opening the gifts I’ve given them and see the smiles on their faces when they see what they got. It makes me happy. I always have fun opening stockings with the cats and the dog. They all have their own with their names on them. It’s funny too because like a month before Christmas they start playing with all their toys. Some of which you haven’t seen in months. It’s like they know Christmas is coming and are hoping you’ll see them so they can get even more toys. Toby, our dog, has this tempurpedic bed that the cats have kind of taken over. I bought the cats their own bed for Christmas and I’ll put a bow on it and stick it under the tree Christmas morning.

3-Breakfast: Every Christmas, after we open all our presents, my mom and I (but mostly her) make a huge breakfast. I help. Eggs Benedict, corned beef hash, bacon, hashbrowns, sausage, the works. It’s great. usually we have cookies too but most likely we won’t this year

4-Dressing Up: I always do something for holidays. Get in the spirit. Wear some holiday related clothing. Put pretty hair accessories in my hair. Special holiday jewelry. The whole nine.

5-Decorations: The holiday spirit is always festive and you can’t help but smile and be happy about most of it. The tree is a pain in the ass to do and takes forever, but it’s beautiful. We don’t really do Christmas lights anymore but seeing all the houses of people who do is exciting. Especially this one house in my town that is ridiculous. They spend like a month setting up and it is amazing. It’s well planned out and they have some pretty cool things. One of favorites is the gingerbread house with the gingerbread man that walks down the path towards it. I’ve always liked the little duck pond too. Blue lights surrounding light up rubber duckies. The skiing animals on the hill are cute as well. All of it is just mind blowing. I will have to go by at some point and take some pictures. I’ll bring the good camera and post my pics on here!

There are some other reasons to be happy around the Holidays but I’m hungry. And I’m going to look around online for gifts for Paul 🙂

Thanks(or not)giving

So Thanksgiving is in two days and my house is crazy. My dad has to micromanage everything, as my mom says. It’s so ridiculous and it’s been happening since before Halloween. Having to know EXACTLY how many people will be here. We always have plenty of food so it’s not a huge deal as long as you have a pretty good idea of how many to expect. Having the menu planned out to a T. Going grocery shopping for everything we’re going to need. He has even been planning on where on the table things are going to go! I’m surprised he hasn’t plotted out a little map saying “the turkey will go here, mashed potatoes over there, and the green bean casserole over on that side”. It’s crazy. It’s so stressful. And I know my mom is getting frustrated. This is her vacation too and so far hasn’t been able to enjoy it as much as she would like. It’s about being around family and having a nice meal. It shouldn’t be as big of an ordeal as he’s making it out to be, ya know? I mean, my mom and I have to start cleaning and planning things out, reasonably mind you. Of course drinking so much hasn’t really helped any. Paul has to do this job tonight working for some guy. I gotta love when my boyfriend has to go to the freakin titty bar for work. I don’t mind too much but I know he does. He got a new phone yesterday and he’s like a kid on Christmas morning. I think the only time he’s put it down so far was to sleep. And even that, he told me he dreamed about getting the phone and was excited when he woke up because he actually had it. His phone is nice though. It’s an HTC One. My mother has come up with numerous things that HTC could stand for, all of them being so dirty that I am reluctant to post them. (My mom is the coolest) Her and I both recently got Samsung Galaxy S3s. Paul keeps saying that his is better. His phone does have a few things that are pretty cool but overall I am happy with mine. He says his speakers are better and everything. I don’t really care because I have an iPod for my music. He can use his as a remote for the television which is cool. However, since we already have remotes for the tvs it’s not that big of a deal. It’s nice when my dad has the tv blaring though because Paul and turn it down. Yeah, my dad better wear his fuckin hearing aids on Thanksgiving. He doesn’t understand how much his not wearing them affects everyone else. The tv drives my mother nuts to the point I’m afraid she’s going to have another heart attack. And I know she’s heartbroken that she spent like $4200 on the hearing aids that he refuses to wear. It’s great when he does wear them because the tv is actually at a reasonable volume. Like when you call our house all you can hear is the tv in the background. It’s rude. He says he doesn’t wear them because he doesn’t care what anyone has to say. That’s fucked. I get it if he doesn’t want to wear them at work. Or even when he gets home since he’s only awake for an hour or two before going to lay down. But on the weekends, have some respect. Especially on holidays and around social events. It’s just rude to everyone around. He just doesn’t care. Sometimes I really hate being at home. For various reasons, but most of them are because of my father. He’s my dad, I love him, but I can’t stand to be around him a lot of times. He won’t wear his hearing aids, he drinks way to much on the weekends and he just gets irritating. I worry about my mom a lot, especially since her heart attack a few years ago and I know he stresses her out. And I’m worried about him too to a certain degree. He’s supposed to be watching his carbs so he doesn’t become diabetic. He has blood pressure meds which he hasn’t taken any of. He went to the hospital a couple months ago because he though he was having a heart attack. He’s blood pressure was fucked and I’m pretty sure he had an anxiety attack. They kinda tend to run in the family. I have them, my dads brother has them. I say that I only care to a certain degree because he doesn’t seem to give a shit about himself. You can only care so much when the person themselves doesn’t. Make sense?

Last year I was thankful that my parents give me a place to live and put up with all my shit. This year I have a little more to be thankful for. I’m still thankful that they do all that for me. But I am also thankful that I finally got a job. I know work for the United Postal Service. My mother works there and her and the people who I interviewed with seem to think that I will be full time. I really hope so. (they’re hiring for three weeks for Christmas help as well) So far though everything has been very misleading. The job I applied for seemed like it was for full time work. Then I heard something about only being hired for the three weeks. Then I had an “interview” which turned out to be what they call a “mass interview” with a group of people all attending. Then I had to go back like two weeks ago to fill out my papers since I actually got hired. My email giving information about orientation was corrupt. The description of the job I got seems like full time. The women who took care of all my stuff said she believes it’s for a full time position as well. I really hope so cuz I need a job. It pays really well. I’m tired of bouncing for one shit job to another. I want this job to be my last. Like work here while attending school to become an RN. I guess we’ll wait and see what happens. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed 🙂

Mischief is sitting here. I think she has something she wants to blog about. I’m just not sure what seeing as she cant’ talk. Or type. Well actually, she has typed things before they were just all random letters and numbers though. I wish I could get her a job in an office. She loves it. She found a button on my old laptop that every time she pushed it the computer would beep. She loved it. She likes turning the copier on and making copies for some reason. And omg does she get excited about the printer! She had fun helping me print pictures too. (I got a photo album for Paul for Valentine’s day last year and filled it with pictures of us since we started dating) I have more I would like to add for Christmas but I can’t find it and he won’t look for it. Frowny face.

He is such a pain in the ass to go out with. 9 times out of 10 we argue when grocery shopping together. And getting his phone yesterday was ridiculous. My mom had to go since she added him to our family plan. She says she never wants to go anywhere with him again. That was further decided today when the three of us went out to eat and she said he was rushing her. He always tries to say that I take forever. It’s more like he rushes me. He’ll tell me we have to leave to go somewhere at a certain time. Then like an hour before the time he gave me he’s asking if I’m ready to go. No, I’m not! I still have an hour! Like he shaves his head so obviously he doesn’t have much to do to get ready. I’m a girl, I naturally take a little longer to begin with. Plus I have long curly ridiculous hair that has to be dealt with. He seems to think that I can wash, dry and straighten it in like 20 minutes. Then I have to put on make up. Usually it’s just eyeliner and a little mascara. I found in high school that for me eyeliner is a must have. Every time I didn’t wear any people always thought I was high. Anyways, I guess that’s enough rambling for today. I have to go clean. And check on my Simpsons. I’m sure my one hour tasks are just about complete!

Dead Ever After

For some reason it took me forever to start this book. Usually I read them as soon as I get them and finish it the next day. I have to say I was a little bit disappointed overall. Don’t get me wrong, it was an outstanding book, just like all the others in the series, but I feel like it wasn’t enough. This was the LAST book and too me it seems like it didn’t wrap up everything. I was expecting the series to go out with a bang. It does touch base with all the main characters that we have grown to know throughout the series. Like Sookie does end up with Sam, which a lot of people could kind of see happening. She said she wanted to take the relationship slow to make sure it wasn’t just a rebound. However, that’s pretty much the extent of it. They fuck for the first time and apparently it was amazing for the two of them. She thinks that they’ll end up together but it doesn’t really go any farther than that. I would have liked to know if their relationship worked out and what happened later on. But like I said, it was a great book non the less. I would give it 5 stars. It is definitely worth reading, and if you haven’t read the whole series than what the fuck are you waiting for? I really enjoy True Blood, but it has strayed so far from the books that it’s almost a totally different story. I suggest these books to everyone and I don’t know of anyone who has read them and not liked them.

Now I’m just waiting for the new Stephanie Plum book from Janet Evanovich to come out. That’s another great series that I recommend to people. She’s a bounty hunter with friends that are kind of out there, a grandmother who is anything but typical, two hot men in her life, and a hamster. The books are hilarious and always entertaining.

Also, the Harper Connelly series by Charlaine Harris is a pretty good one to get into. There are only a few of them, not nearly as many as the Sookie Stackhouse books, but they’re really good. She got struck by lightning and ever since has been able to find dead bodies and know their last moments alive. She travels the country with her half brother working for various people.

Also, if I just randomly stop blogging it’s because I ate funny colored instant mashed potatoes that expired 9 years and 2 months ago and I am dead.

The Walking Dead

So I’m at my in-laws house sitting and I’m pretty bored at the moment. I made arts and crafts stuff yesterday and Paul made an awesome dinner. He’s napping with Toby so I was trying to figure out something to post about and I figured I would talk about this weeks episode.

So, The Governor is back. What a dick. I’m sure how I feel about him at this point. In my mind he’s always going to be an asshole, now it’s just a matter of how big an asshole is he. At first when his two monkeys left him there my first thought was, “Haha. You deserve that. It should have happened a lot sooner than that.” Then part of my humane side, only a small part, felt a little bit bad for him when he was wondering around all by himself. But guess what, you wanna treat people like shit and push everyone away, or in his case kill everyone, then you deserve to be alone. Then he showed up at that family’s building I was scared for them. I understand that it’s the apocalypse and you have to do some things you never would have done before, but he did some seriously fucked up shit. When he was talking to them part of me was waiting for the moment when he went all crazy on everyone. I get why he got attached to the little girl, what with his daughter dying and everything. Now I’m wondering is he going to get more attached or obsessed? Like he going to do everything in his power to keep her safe, up to and including killing her mother and aunt? I just don’t know. I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him but there is just something there that made me not hate him quite as much as before. I still don’t like him though. I’m willing to give him a chance and try to redeem himself, but I will never trust him completely. That look he got on his face at the end of the episode was “Oh, shit”. I bet part of him is thinking that these new women his with are going to find out the truth about him. That could be disastrous for everyone around him. It would threaten his new relationship with this child even. I imagine that there are a million things running through the governors head at this point and most of them are not good. I do believe that it’s possible for him to go to Rick and the group for help. Maybe he’ll find a heart somewhere inside himself and do a selfless act such as placing the women with Rick, even if he himself wasn’t welcome. The governor is bad ass when it comes to killing walkers, but Rick has a strong group of people that could help keep the women safe. I’m also wondering like is he going to try and play nice and then just completely lose it one day? I’m not sure if he is capable of having real emotions or caring for anyone. I believe that when he had a family and everything that he was a good guy. Big events, such as the apocalypse, can really change a person. In many cases it seems that whatever these people were beforehand doesn’t matter at all in this new world. Hershel’s previous life is an asset to the group now. Rick’s former life comes into play as well. Daryl‘s hunting comes in handy. But for most of these people, who they were is completely gone at this point. I imagine that he would be very hard to try and maintain humanity and any kind of morals. How do you set new standards for what is right and wrong? I know for me that killing walkers in the beginning would have been very hard because to an extent you’re still seeing these people as human beings. But I imagine that after a while it would just become same shit different day and I would kill them without thinking twice about it. You gotta figure that there probably won’t ever be a cure, there probably isn’t even anyone left to find a cure. Then you have to think that even if there is a cure one day that it will to be late for most people who would be too decayed and disgusting to cure. I’m not entirely sure how I would feel during all that they’re going through since I’m not in that position, but I know it would be hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. I sort of got off topic a little bit but that’s ok.

I also think that the group is going to have to leave the prison very soon. It seems like things were getting a little too comfortable there for a while. But between the sickness that killed a fair share of people and the walkers that got through the fence, that place isn’t a safe as it was when they first arrived. I’m not sure where they would go next but I think another prison might not be a bad idea. They could try Alcatraz as I don’t think walkers can swim, but that probably isn’t that realistic. However, there are other prisons around that would probably suffice. They seem to only really have big problems when more walkers realize where they are.

I’m waiting for Carol to show up too. Maybe she runs into the governor and they hatch some kind of plan together. All I know, is she’s not done. She’ll be back. Not sure when, where, or how but it’s going to happen. Maybe Daryl goes and tries to find her, who by the way is looking sexy as ever with that crossbow. If he died I would throw my remote through the tv and never watch The Walking Dead again. Ok, that might be a little extreme, but I would definitely be pissed. I already lost Andrea, I can’t lose him too. So, you writers better not disappoint me. I won’t be happy if you kill him and I’m sure I wouldn’t be the only one crying about it. (Don’t judge me)

Anyways, I’m going to go find a book or something to read, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll write something later, or tomorrow. Goodbye.